First session: I'm at the end of the road

Faced with the psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Robert Neuburger, a reader wonders about the need to follow a psychotherapy. This month: Vanessa, 45 years old.

Interviewed and summarized by Aude Mérieux

Robert Neuburger: Hello Vanessa, why are you coming to consult me ​​today?

Vanessa: I've had a lot of revenue for twenty-five years. It did not bother me for fifteen years because I was always traveling for reports at the end of the world, and "get out of the camp" was all that mattered. But today there are a lot less orders and I do not go out anymore. That's one of the reasons I'm having trouble right now. Either I cry all the tears of my body, or I explode because I take everything for aggression. Which makes me become odious with everyone. My generalist feels that I am in depression and has given me treatment that does not do much. I am on my knees.

Robert Neuburger: Do you live alone?

Vanessa: I was dumped by the man I had been with for two years on the pretext that he was tired of my moods. Today, he tries to catch me, but this relationship is also problematic. Olivier at my age, he is a farmer and has lived under the control of his father forever. When I met him, I did not realize how different our lives were. I am a Parisian city dweller, who has freed myself from a very young parental weight, and I find myself with someone who obeys his father and a narrow rural life, even if he loves his job.

Robert Neuburger: How did you meet him?

Vanessa: When taking photos! I may have fallen in love with a certain "exoticism" which I saw the limits, but I thought I could override.

Robert Neuburger: What was your emotional life before him?

Vanessa: I lived for six years with a man I left out of weariness, then there was nothing for ten years or adventures without a future. With Olivier, for whom I left Paris and settled in Auvergne - not under the same roof because he lives on his farm and I live in the city - I had the impression that it was going to work. I was seduced by his way of life, his passion for the land, without realizing that in everyday life it is very routine, in the antithesis of what I am.

Robert Neuburger: So you traveled during the first part of your life?

Vanessa: Until five, six years ago, I traveled all over the world doing photo reports for the press and publishing.

Robert Neuburger: Do you have any family?

Vanessa: Yes, but very bad relations with her.I see my father once every two years, and it's an effort because we never got along. Already, as a child, I was in revolt and was angry. My father was flanking me outside in the garden and closing the door. A shrink said to me one day: "He locked you out. "And since then, I have been running the world. When I come back, it's not right. My mother died when I was 30, but I did not get along with her anymore. I was put on board at age 10 to put myself somewhere, so in fact, I left the family at 10 years and never really returned. And two years ago, I fall in love with a man who lives with his father and a huge family weight!

Robert Neuburger: Did you think you were going to change it?

Vanessa: No, I do not think I have taken the step. At first, everything seemed idyllic. It was The Little House in the meadow. Then, over time, I realized we were poles apart. He will never leave his land and, for my part, living in the province is very difficult for my job.

Robert Neuburger: Basically, this difference that has fascinated you becomes heavy to bear ... Could your reports be dangerous?

Vanessa: Sometimes, yes. I happened to go to conflict lands. But I found my account because it had to be on the breach, fast, effective, and I like it. While Olivier's life is such a routine with, in addition, the weight of mentalities! It's amazing that it took me two years to realize it ...

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