Bad self-esteem, the unconscious destroyer of your life!
Right now, I'm reading Nathaniel Branden's great book, The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem, which is a very dense but incredibly rich book.
This inspired me to write an article on self-esteem.
Self-esteem is the indirect driver of your success and your happiness in your life. Studies have even shown it.
That's what he's going to do to determine how you're going to understand things and react to the different events in life.
It's sort of your base of life and the pillar of the state of mind.
The stronger your self-esteem, the more control you will have in your life and the better you will feel in your sneakers.
Conversely, the lower it is, the more life will be you will control and the less you feel good.
There is so much to say and I would write several articles about it.
In the meantime, I will focus here on some of the consequences that you may have if you have low self-esteem.
Attention, it's possible that you find yourself in what I will explain later. It's normal.
Above all, the first step is to become aware of all this. This is what it will allow you to go forward and progress on certain points.
When self-esteem is low, we are oftenmanipulated and imprisoned by our emotions that create a reality that is not necessarily right.
The strongest emotion that governs poor self-esteem is thefear.
Fear of reality that seems inadequate to us. Fear of certain parts of ourselves that we deny or want to deny. Fear of oneself simply. Fear of others. Scared of the exhibition, afraid of humiliation, of failure and in some cases, afraid of the responsibility that one carries when one succeeds (finally?) Something.
Succeed is a big word for someone who has low self-esteem. There are often questions like:
"Why did I succeed? No, it's lucky. It's because there was this or that. "
"Who am I to succeed, who am I to have good ideas like that? It is surely a coincidence and my success does not come back to me. "
"I have never succeeded, there is no reason for that to be the case today. Surely there is a mistake and it is better that I get hold of myself otherwise it will fall back on me. "
The level of your self-esteem determines how you think and more specifically affects your emotions and motivation.
Bad self-esteemdistorts your thoughts and also your reality. If you have a bad reputation with yourself, you are locked in a negative reality limited by your emotions, among other things.
You will be more inclined to give up and not give the best of yourself.
You endure your life and you are no longer the master.
Trust is not the key word for poor self-esteem, but fear as we said above.
The priority is then no longer to live, but to absolutely avoid the "terror" of life.
Creativity and novelty?
No, of course, we preferredstay in safety.
Poverty of self-esteem implies irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new, rebellion, a defensive attitude, a chameleon-type attitude, the fear of hostility from others, compliance or overcontrol of his behavior.
If low self-esteem fears the unknown, high self-esteem seeks to explore new things, to open new frontiers.
If poor self-esteem strives to avoid challenges, high self-esteem desires and wants new challenges.
If bad self-esteem sees the negative everywhere, high self-esteem will see opportunities and learning on every occasion.
The better your self-esteem, the better you'll be equipped to cope with life, especially facing possible obstacles (I prefer to use obstacles that problems) that can arise in your professional life and your personal life.
The consequences in his life
- Let's analyze the possible impact on the sentimental life, for example:
I think, and Nathaniel Branden also agrees, that self-esteem has a great impact on social relationships and especially romantic relationships.
If you do not feel loved by yourself, it's very hard to believe that someone else will love you.
"If I do not accept myself, how can I accept your love for me? Your love for me is not true. I can not believe it or in any case it will not last.
In an unconscious way, it's the way your self-esteem is expressed.
You become a relationship saboteur (of love)
Many relationships (among other things, love affairs) fail due to an imbalance of self-esteem between the two protagonists.
A story told by the author of the book that illustrates one of the cases and one of the possible consequences:
"Why do I fall in love with the wrong person all the time? A woman asks me. Her father abandoned her when she was 7 years old, and her mother has repeatedly blamed her for it "It's your fault that your father is gone. You brought too many problems. " As an adult, this woman "knows" that it was her fault that her father left. She "knows" that she does not deserve love. How to solve this then in his life? She often selects men who are married who clearly have nothing to do with this woman in a way that might suit her. By selecting men like that, she justifies her tragic sense of life "
When we "know" that we are condemned, we behave in a way that reality will be in accordance with our reality, our knowledge. Our perception may be totally distorted.
"One day, a man falls in love. The woman also after very little time. They get married. In spite of all the love that the woman has for him, the man remains dissatisfied, insatiable. However, she believes in it and she wants it to work so she perseveres. She eventually succeeds and convinces her that she really loves him. Once he has no doubt about it, he begins to wonder if his standards are not too low. He wonders if she's really good for him. In some cases, the man will leave this woman, fall in love with another and rebel. "
- And in professional life for example?
"A man gets a promotion in his business and suddenly he panics himself. He begins to think that it is not possible to be promoted, to have new challenges and new responsibilities. "I am an impostor! It's impossible for me to be promoted, "he said to himself. Feeling condemned in advance, he gives up his motivation to give the best of himself. Unconsciously, he begins a process of self-sabotage: he comes to meetings without being prepared, he gets angry at his colleagues and becomes more and more aggressive, he makes jokes at unwelcome moments, ignores more and more the signals of his Boss dissatisfied. After a while, he gets fired. He said to himself "I knew it was too good to be true" "
Another probable situation:
A subordinate offers a great idea to his manager. Suddenly, the manager feels humiliated that he did not have that idea. He suddenly imagines he is surpassed and dethroned by his subordinate. He then begins to think how to erase this idea, and see worse in some cases, how to get fired.
Examples like that, there are many and in all areas. It's impossible for me to list them all.
I just want you to know that your level of our self-esteem has profound consequences for every aspect of your life. How will you behave at work, how will you act with others, how will you perceive life, how will you approach the different aspects of your life? This is a good indicator that will show how you are likely to succeed in life and how you will achieve your goals.
From a personal point of view, it will also determine what kind of person you fall in love with, what kind of person you will be friends with, how will you behave with your family, with your friends, your surrounding and what level of happiness you will achieve.
In fact, internally this causes implicit expectations of you. These expectations generate certain actions that become your reality and this reality confirms and reinforces your beliefs. And so on. It is a vicious or virtuous circle as the case may be.
And then, what will bring me to have a better self-esteem?
A little higher up, I have already started talking about the benefits of good self-esteem, but let's continue.
We are more ambitious, more creative, more spiritual. We are also more open to life and to others, we are more honest and our communication will be better.
We are more inclined to treat others with respect, caring and fairness. We also deal with respect (which is the basis of any relationship)
Otherwise, we will have trouble communicating. We will be more evasive due to our doubts about our feelings and the possible anxiety that can cause the response of our interlocutor.
Research has also shown a strengthening of our immune system. We are in better health.
Good self-esteem improves our intuition, our foresight. We are inclined to make better decisions. We relativize, we see the good side of things, we are less afraid, we succeed better. We work better. We are happier, our relationships are better. We have more gratitude for life.
Etc. Many advantages, therefore.
The pseudo self-esteem
Nathaniel Branden also defines the pseudo self-esteem.
At times, we can see people who are successful, people who are considered by many people, who seem to be a perfect insurance, but who are in fact deeply dissatisfied, anxious or depressed. They can show others that they have a high self-esteem, but in fact they are very far away from them. Internally, they can be destroyed.
In fact, self-esteem has nothing to do with others, but with self. It's a question of "what do I think about me, what are my feelings for myself?" And not about what others think and feel about me. I can be very well loved by my family, my colleagues, my friends, but not be loved by myself. I can project to others a reassuring image of myself, but tremble at the slightest instability in my life. I can satisfy the desires of others, but not satisfy mine.
Many people seek self-esteem in others, in the purchase of material (materialism), marriage, parents, sexual conquests or plastic surgery. All of these things will clearly make us feel better and more comfortable on the moment. But comfort is not self-esteem. In the end, this is not the right solution. Clearly.
The tragedy of many people's lives is that they seek self-esteem in all directions except themselves, within themselves. They fail miserably then. They are condemned to live a passive and inactive life.
The source of self esteem is only present in you, in you. It is internal and not external. This is what we do through our daily actions that determine our self, not what others do or think about us.
When we seek an answer outside ourselves, in the actions and in the responses of others, we run to disaster (of our life, of course, and not that of others who will continue to sip their Mojoto).
One of the reasons is that by looking for the others, it exposes us to the addiction of what is called the approval that is to say, in a pictorial way, to act according to the desires of the others.
"Yes, but he told me it was good" or "He told me I had to do that".
You see what I mean ?
And so ? How to improve our self-esteem?
I will explain in more detail in a future article. However, I would like to tell you the following things:
The first success in this self improvement process is the knowledge and acceptance of the fact that we may lack self-esteem. It is the acceptance that our reality can be changed. It is the acceptance of a questioning. It's the acceptance of wanting to change. It must be realized that the path will not be easy. The bigger you are, the more difficult it will be if you lack self-esteem. Indeed, this one is like a foundation that is built since you are all baby.
Challenging this foundation is a long-term, but worthwhile task.
Indeed, the first steps to improve our self-esteem are difficult because we have to challenge our conscience in the face of the resistance of our emotions that have guided us so far. It is questioning all our behavior until now in a conscious and unconscious way. We have to convince this limiting belief that tells us it's like that and that's it. (I exaggerate voluntarily).
So I would say that one of the keys is self-awareness. We must be able to raise our awareness of ourselves and the world to one level. (I will develop this point later 😉)
Finally, increasing one's self-esteem requires action. Actions you will do daily. "What is the level of self-esteem is what the individual does. "
If you are sorely lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem, I am putting in place special content to remedy that. If you are interested, go to this page).
And you ? What do you think ? How do you characterize your self-esteem?