Find the right distance

jacques Salomé

Finding the right distance in a close relationship is not easy, it's always a sensitive, delicate process that you have to tame in every encounter. We are going, more often than not, to those who seem important to us, with many contradictions.

With the desire to feel them close, to live more with them and, at the same time, with the desire to remain attentive to their sensitivity, not to annoy them, not to weigh on them. We want to be able to show our interest or attention while wanting to accept it without having to beg or impose. The need for presence and, above all, the attention of the one for whom we have attachment can be experienced by them as uncomfortable, sometimes even as intrusive.

One of the paradoxes of close relationships is that the need for intimacy of one and the other, in terms of time and space, may become contradictory. One can say: "It is with you and only with you that I want to live intimacy ...", the other trying to make it heard: "My need for intimacy is not limited to you , I have a need for personal intimacy in which you are not always present ... "Thus, our intimacy may be abused by the one who claims to love us or want our well-being.

It starts early in a child's life, with intrusive questions: "What are you thinking about?", "Do you want to tell me what goes through your head when you dream?" and thereafter: "I need you to talk to me about you, tell me everything, do not hide anything about what you live, your feelings ..." It's as if everyone, in a subtle give-and-take, was to always be known as open, available for exchange and sharing.

My naivete was long to believe that those who showed any consideration for me could hear my need for withdrawal, reserve or loneliness. The most difficult is to say no to an expectation of those who love us, waiting at home who tries to impose itself as obvious for us! "We see so little, it is important for me to know what you live ! "

In the register of the touch, the physical contact, the good distance will depend on the emotional state which lives each one. A single gesture, and an incredible agreement is realized. "With this gesture that she had to take my head in her hand and approach her cheek against mine, while breathing everything against me, she abolished all the distances between the women and I, repaired at once all the injustices of my childhood.

She had immediately found the right distance, the one I dreamed of without ever having even hoped to meet her! " The right distance is to be invented at each meeting, it obeys no rule, except that to listen to the thousand signs that can agree and amplify.

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