I suffer from not communicating with my father .

I suffer from not communicating with my father ...

I am 14 years old and a father with whom I can not communicate because he can not stand that we, his children, are happy . I know he had a difficult childhood, but what can I do? (Aline M., Clermont-Ferrand)

Claude Halmos

Psychoanalyst

responds

The situation you describe is painful and you must first understand that you are not the one cause: with other children your father would behave in the same way because he "does" without doubt what has been "done" to him.

We should also try to know a little more about what happened to him. What was his "difficult childhood"? Who was it bad with? With his father? His mother? Did he prefer another? The humiliated we? Etc. All this is important to understand what he repeats with you, what he says (and to whom he says it) when he speaks to you.

And then you should also understand the role your mother plays in this story because you do not say a word about it. But she is there. She chose this man as husband and father of her children and she attends the scenes. What is she doing to help and help her children?

Try to talk about all this with your brothers and sisters to see, together, a little clearer. You may be able, then, to have a real discussion with your father. By not letting yourself be impressed by his anger: it is the suffering child in him who revolts. You can certainly be more mature than this child and listen to what he has to say.

It happens at your age that one must, to get by, understand what his parents can not understand. Courage.

Psychoanalyst, author of "To speak is to live" (NiL, 1997), Claude Halmos responds each month to four letters selected from an abundant mail, of which we publish extracts.

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