Love your children, yes, but not too much

Love has a good back! In his name, we suffocate, we subjugate, we mistreat and, sometimes, we kill, the psychoanalyst rebels. So distrust ... Catherine Mathelin-Vanier

Catherine Mathelin published in Denoel What did we do to Freud to have such children? (2000).

Parental love is one of the last values ​​left to the hit parade of our modern society. The very status of children has changed. Considered as miniature adults, they are at the center of our concerns and our advertising campaigns. We are moved, moved by them. Love them seems to be a safer investment for the future than any banking operation. But what interest do we hope to derive from it? Why do we love these children? For them or for us?

Love is not everything

It can even, sometimes, be dangerous. For in the name of love everything is possible: to suffocate, to subjugate, to mistreat and sometimes to kill. Is not passionate crime the only one to find some indulgence with the judges? "I loved him so much, gentlemen jurors, I did not support that he escapes me." To love is not to possess or to annihilate, it is to be able to deprive oneself of the child, to lose him, and since the Judgment of Solomon we know that it is not easy.

It is not enough to love a child to be an independent, sexed and independent being. Everything will depend on how we love him and the register where this love fits. I remember that father who said in consultation, "I love my daughter more than anything in the world, she's going to be 14 years old, I do not want any boy to make love to her without really loving her. He is going to destroy it, I alone love him enough to make her a fulfilled woman, who will know what sexuality means. " This father did not like his daughter to the point of depriving herself of her, to the point of giving it to another man. And yet the authenticity of her love for her could not be questioned.

To love our children so that they belong to us and that no one, apart from us, can make them happy causes havoc. The love of the parents, if not altruistic and disinterested, does not allow the child to grow in dignity and self-respect. "I loved you so much" should not be underprivileged. to hear "You owe me everything", "I loved you so much that I could deprive you of you, I love you for you and not for me", that is what growing children need to hear.

Love can be a terrible trap if the child feels prisoner

For love for the child, it can be assigned to a place that prevents it from being built. He can, for example, become the consoler of his father or mother who loves him so much and who asks him to come and repair his wounds (during separations or divorces, we meet these children who rush to be the therapists of their parents).It can also become, even if the parents live in couple, the only object of jouissance of the one or the one who does not desire elsewhere.

For the sake of the child, it can be a substitute, a crutch. It can be given a function that it feels obliged to fulfill. How do you get rid of the most precious adults for him, when they show so much love?

We really only like renunciation. So let's be wary of the love that fills us and make our children fetishes.


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