Why am I violent with my aunt who brought me up?

Why am I violent with my aunt who brought me up?

I am 27 years old, my mother abandoned me when I was 3 years old, and my father raised me with the help of his sister. Today, I have violent relations with her. I even hit her and my doctor gave me some medicine that I refuse. I am suffering. Help me. Alexiane, Strasbourg

Claude Halmos

Psychoanalyst

responds

Thank you for your letter, which shows, once again, how aberrant drug use can be. Wanting to calm your violence with seals is, in fact, to put it on the same level as a common headache. It is absurd and dangerous, because the violence of an adult or a child always speaks of the violence he has accumulated in him: the one his story has made him.

This violence, drugs can silence her, but they can not "cure" her. They leave the horror intact. As a child you have been subjected to violence. That of "abandonment" by your mother, first.

The situation is violent and destructive, but the word - "abandonment" - used by others (then by you) to name it is no less so. First, because it puts you in the position of "object" that we left. Then because it makes your mother a bad mother. And, above all, because it disguises the truth, which is necessarily more complex.

Who was your mother? What had she lived with her own mother? What happened with your father? You have in you a (unconscious) knowledge on all this and it would be necessary to be able to find it. In addition, you were raised by your father and his sister. Why with her? Why did not he rebuild his life? Who is this sister? What place did this child of her brother occupy for her?

All these "unsaid" and "bad words" were violence for the little girl you were; and it is she, today, who expresses them. By acts since his story did not teach him how to do it with words. This little girl, you must allow her to speak. Take her by the hand and take her to see a psychoanalyst. She has a lot to say and, no doubt, tears to shed. It is in these tears that the violence of acts can be dissolved.

Another question on the subject:

  • Do I have to tell my son that his father went to jail? Has he inherited his violence?

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