How can I explain my son's insolence towards me?

How can I explain my son's insolence towards me?

My 9 year old son obeys his father, but with me, he is insolent and disrespectful. At school, he has problems with concentration and difficulty being with children his age. What do you think? Sarah

Claude Halmos

Psychoanalyst

Responds

Your son's problems worry you, Sarah. And you talk about it, you tell me, a lot with him, but nothing changes. That does not surprise me.

Because this boy does not just have, it seems to me, need to listen. He needs clear benchmarks for his place and those around him. A child must know that he must obey his parents, not because they are taller and stronger than he is. But because what they ask him is essential to life. And he must know also that they are not two isolated individuals but a couple (from which he is born). And that, if he has to respect his father, he must also respect his mother, because she is the wife of this father.

I'm not sure your son knows all this. He probably obeys his father (very severe) out of fear. But this same fear not being present with you, he allows himself a coarseness which is serious. For she always has, in a boy of her age, a character (unconsciously) incestuous.

Your son lives (in his head) in a world without law. And that probably explains his problems at school. The lack of frame anxiety - subconsciously - too much for him to concentrate. And, not knowing how to use life in society, he has trouble with others. So you and his father have to talk to him. To put - and it is very possible - very quickly things in their place.

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