Child-parents, who decides?

Child-parents, who decides?

How to be authoritarian with your children without being tyrannical? How to fix them prohibitions and limits? At what age should a child be more independent?

Etty Buzyn


Etty Buzyn is a psychoanalyst and clinical psychologist. She also trains early childhood professionals. The difficulty that some parents have in establishing their authority is a theme that frequently comes up in the privacy of their own cabinet.

  1. Does a child really need authority? Every child needs to be understood and loved for who he is. This does not prevent to protect it. This is the role of tutelary adults. To show a reassuring authority is not equivalent to the excess of power of a blind authoritarianism.
  2. How to manage the whims, sometimes too frequent, of your child? Children often go through periods of opposition to test the resistance of their parents, which is quite common. The solution to stem these "caprices" could perhaps answer with an indifferent attitude. Reacting certainly strengthens children in the power they have. They may feel very destabilized if one does not react as much to their provocations. We can warn them that their opposing attitude does not interest us, and that we prefer the other little child who is in them. This will allow them to see a way out, and not lose face.
  3. Why does a child withstand authority at home when he returns to primary school? When a child goes into CP, he looks for his place in society and his new place in the family. Above all, if it was repeated to him that entering the CP, suppose to become big. It is desirable that there is not too much difference between life inside, at home, and life outside. Group life requires a lot of control of a young child, who must learn to respect the instructions valid for all. Perhaps it would be good to temporarily relax the requirements or the rules of life at home, so that the pressure on him is not too great. We can gradually readjust them later. A child often behaves differently in school and at home, where the issues are not the same.
  4. What to do when you love your child too much, so much so that he decides everything? The role of the child is not to take advantage of his power over adults. Reality will teach him very quickly. And it is doing him the greatest harm to let him decide everything in the place of his parents very early. This attitude can produce children who are manipulative and unsuited to society. But if he has brothers and sisters one day, it will be good for him and he will learn very quickly to share and to leave a place to the other.
  5. Can we teach a child to set his own limits? It can be a model for many responsible and empowered children. For other children, more immature, this educational attitude would not be appropriate. It would appear to them too vague and insecure enough. Education is precisely to adapt as closely as possible to the character of each child. It is therefore an adjustment and a gradual adaptation, perhaps groping at first, but ultimately constructive. Every child is singular, education consists in respecting this singularity.


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