Why when he is with his boyfriend, my 5-year-old son is doing stupid things?

Why when he is with his boyfriend, my 5-year-old son is doing stupid things?

As soon as he is with his boyfriend, my 5-year-old son is doing stupid things. I do not know how to intervene because I do not want to ruin their friendship. What do you think? (Alain T., Angers)

Claude Halmos

Psychoanalyst

answers

The relationship between your son and his "boyfriend" seems more complex than a simple story of friendship. In fact, he does things with him that he does not do when he is alone or with others. Why? Does he do it because he chose it or because he "submits" to his comrade?

Your son can do this to seduce his boyfriend: because, in general, he thinks that nonsense values ​​those who make them, or because he felt that they like his friend. But he can also "obey" him.

Some children, in fact, make others act what they do not dare to do themselves or take pleasure in having them punished because they repeat in this way a relationship that they have. same, with a bigger one (an older brother for example). If that's the case, and if your son is passive, why would he be? You and your mother should talk to him to understand a little more and to help him keep his identity in front of others.

Small children, in fact, tend to imitate those they love and it is destructive for their personality. It is necessary to give them benchmarks so that they can remain themselves in the middle of others: to remind them on the occasion that "you, it is you" and "him, it is him" and to interrogate them when l you feel that they are slipping. "This idea (this desire ...), it is you who had it or it is your friend?"

Psychoanalyst, author of To speak, it is to live (NiL, 1997), Claude Halmos responds each month to four letters selected from an abundant mail, of which we publish excerpts.

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