My mother cheats on my father . How should I react to her?
I recently discovered that my mother had a lover. When I told her about it, she denied everything in block and, before the fait accompli, she confessed. She finally swore she would not see her lover anymore and that she was going to stay with my father, whom she does not blame. But she lied to me because I know she continues to see her lover, to lie to my father. (...) This story destroys me and I come to think that my mother is more interested in her ass than in her family. She has no sensible and frank discussion with me and, in addition, she tries to blame me by making me understand that I should accept the situation without saying anything and do more as if nothing had happened. I think she has to choose between stopping everything or leaving my father. How should I react to her? (Cedric, 26 years old)
The right reaction would be to distance yourself and take a step back. You do not have to agree or disagree with your mother's love choices, in fact, her affair does not concern you. You override your rights by immersing yourself in his private life.
You seem to judge her, to condemn her, to make emotional blackmail, to give her ultimatums ... You even say that this discovery "destroys" you? You react more like a deceived man and full of spite towards his adulterous wife than like a son. The only man in the family whom your mother's adventure looks upon is your father, that is, your husband. What do you know about their relationship? Your mother chose to spare your father and not to question their marriage. It's his decision. Why question it?
Your excessive, passionate and violent reaction is to be questioned. What's so bothering you in this story? Does not a mother have the right to have a sentimental life, sexual desires, pleasure with a man? Can not a mother be a good mother for her son and a lover for the man she wants? What is the unconscious link that unites you to your mother? You are 26, you are an independent adult and it would be time to take an interest in your own love life.
Catherine Marchi, a clinical psychologist, graduated from René Descartes University Paris V.
Other questions on the subject:
- Why is it so difficult to forgive when one has been deceived?
- How to rebuild our couple after their infidelity?