How to help my son?

How to help my son?

I am divorced. My 13 year old son has big problems with relationships with others, especially girls. No need to rely on his father, he is too clumsy. So, how to help? Marie-Thérèse, Avignon

Claude Halmos

Psychoanalyst

responds

I was, reading your letter, very worried about your son. At age 5, at the time of the divorce, he wanted to throw himself under the cars. Then he, you say, "mothered" his father who used it to try to make you come back. And today he has trouble living like others. He had a difficult journey. And you are not alone involved. But your attitude today does not help him.

Your letter comes down to a long list of grievances you have against your ex-husband: he has never satisfied you sexually, he is a child, his friends take him for a fool, and so on. You express a hatred and scorn of this man that are problematic because they imprison your son. You are not content to denounce the "bad husband" he was. You say that having been a bad husband he can only be an incapable father.

So you unknowingly place your son in front of a void. It is a mistake. For he needs, like every boy, a father to show him the way (he manifests it by his problems). He could certainly find "father" in his father. Because children have a real genius to bring out in adults abilities that these adults themselves did not suspect. But he can not do it without you.

A boy needs his mother to help him have a "live" relationship with his father. And that she be able to explain to her, if they occur, the failings of this father (they are always due to his story). I think you should stop making your son living proof of your ex-husband's carelessness. And you put things back in place. I'm sure you can do it.

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