How can we prevent our son from dating a girl we do not like?

How can we prevent our son from dating a girl we do not like?

Our son is turning 18 and he is dating a young girl. She cheats on him, does not hide it and asks for a child when he does not want it. He first broke up and then returned; we then imposed rules on him because we consider that this relation is destructive for him: he sees it only on weekends. He is revolted by our attitude and wants to leave the house. Thank you for your help and your advice. Josette, Limoges

Claude Halmos

Psychoanalyst

answers

"Hell is paved with good intentions ..." This old saying could, I believe, apply to your letter, because it does not nothing violent or aggressive. On the contrary. She is stamped with "kindness" and "good will," and yet you probably do not hear how much what she says is violent for your son.

Do you think, indeed, that one can organize the emotional, sentimental and sexual life of an 18-year-old son as one used to organize his holidays or his pony lessons? Do not you understand that an 18-year-old boy is no longer a child, but a man to whom society is going, soon, to grant the legal majority, and that there would be some obscenity to wanting decide in his place who he puts in bed and moments devolving to their sexual relations? Because - let's call a cat, a cat! - it's nothing more or less that you organize by trying to impose days and hours of meeting with her friend.

Children do not have to see and know what's going on in their parents' room (once, of course, they've been informed about the existence of sexuality). In the same way, the role of the parents stops at the door of the room of their children when these became adults.

Your son now has to experiment alone and has a right to privacy. And that's good, because it will perhaps allow your husband and yourself to have one, you too ... But in fact, in this respect, where are you both?

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