My mother has always been hard on me

My relationship with my mother has never been excellent. I tried to analyze for myself the reasons for this underlying conflict. I know she herself had a difficult childhood: relationship quite conflictual with her father, her brother was clearly the favorite of the family ... She has a priori suffered from this situation and yet reproduced this pattern with her own children, marking a clear preference for my older brother. This difference faded at the end of adolescence, but as a child, I suffered enormously from her lack of affection. She was very tough with me, never a kind word, nor a real mother-daughter discussion ...

In parallel, my father was collecting extramarital affairs, not really discreetly. My parents always settled their account in front of us. Their relationship has gotten worse. In the end, my brother was studying elsewhere, I lived alone their conflicts and my mother often spent her nerves on me to evacuate her own suffering ... Very honestly, overall, I feel I did not have a happy and fulfilling childhood . My mother made me pay for my father's mistakes (slaps for a yes or no). My parents separated at the age of 20 and my father died a few years later.

Today, my mother finds herself alone, she has not made a new life and does not want it. She has very few friends, is retired, in short I find that her life is not really a success and somewhere, I have pity for her. I do everything to not look like him: I have a very busy social life, am very affectionate with my little boy (probably too much elsewhere!) Etc ... Over the years, the character of my mother has largely softened, my spouse has trouble imagining the mother very hard she was. That said, our relationship remains quite tense.

I blame him for his past harshness and nastiness. She does not care about me, what I do. I'm never entitled to a compliment, or a nice remark. Just now, she made me negative remarks about the apartment we just bought, I made nothing in front of her, but cried at home. I suffer from this lack of complicity between us. On the other hand, his relationship with his grandson is a revelation. He's a great grandmother with him: very attentive, talking to him a lot, very patient. For a quarter of what he does, I received a slap and was recorded in my room, he has the right to an amused smile and a caress on the head! Be careful, I'm not jealous of this relationship, on the contrary, I find it good that my mother is getting along with time, but I have trouble understanding how can one be a mother so unloving and be so Nice grandmother.

Today, between us, it's a big void. I would sometimes like to talk with her, explain how I lived my childhood, but difficult to launch the subject like that. I'm not sure she's very receptive to that. I wish I could turn the page, go on a new foundation with her, but impossible, I have too much resentment against me. I would be unable to talk about it calmly and calmly. I am afraid to get excited, not to be very diplomatic and that it deteriorates our relations even more. She made me very hard, and anesthetized part of my heart. If she dies, I do not even know if I would really feel pain ... I still feel balanced because I have a great spouse and lots of friends, but this difficult relationship remains the dark point of my life.

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