You are not in a relationship

jacques Salome

Message from Boucan d'enfer

It's been two years since I have a relationship with a married man. We had to spend New Year's Eve together. He now lives separated from his family for a year. I thought that in the logic of things, we could be together that night. I told him about how important it is for me to start the New Year with him. It was beyond this holiday, a symbol. He taught me a few days before he would spend it with his family. This disappointment is the measure of the expectation that I had. I feel betrayed, ridiculous to have thought that to live a thing so normal for so many couples was for me only a utopia. I feel sorry.

For the sake of my family who listens to my happiness (for me, these are "my sure values"), I said that I spent Christmas Eve with a friend. I did not want to. It's been years since I "suffered" the embraces of these couples that surround me at the twelve strokes of midnight; this year I decided to stay at home. My friend was planning to come see me tomorrow, after a weekend with his family (for him, it's to see his four children). I do not want to, I know that I will have to tell him my expectations, my disappointments and the desire especially to start the year 2003 on a "healthy" basis.

I want to change my life. How can a man who tries to share "at best" with his children and me understand? Can you answer me, I badly need an objective ear.

The opinion of Jacques Salome

If you want to call you Boucan d'enfer, it must be the storm in you with abysses of suffering. I did not quite understand if you only have a dating relationship, or if you already live with a married man. It's not the same thing.

1) A dating relationship

I actually believe that you have a dating relationship and not a relationship with this man. A relationship of torque supposes commitments. If you have a relationship with a married man, even separated for a year, you are for him it seems to me a third relationship.

The main relationship is still the other. He gave you the proof by not choosing you for the end of the year so important to you. Your disappointment is in the image of all that you have invested on this man and does not seem to reciprocate at home. Your desire to change your life is about what? Stop the dating relationship? Better position yourself and invite him to do so also on a possible life choice?

2) Sharing or separation

You want to be understood by him in your deepest aspirations, and you discover that they compete with his father's aspirations; at least that's what he told you.You seem to believe that since he is separated, it is with you that he will make the choice to live.

You feel it's shared between his children and you. May I remind you that this is not the same relationship? It can not be a question here of sharing, but rather of separation, of clearer partitioning between one's life as a father and one's life as a man.

I do not know how you will hear and deal with all this.

Sincerely on this way of life,

Jacques Salome


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